This afternoon, my roommate arrived from the east coast with his two small children, ages 5 & 6. Two adorable babies poured out of the car and were immediately my new champions.

How can you resist this? A small child gives a hug only when they want to. They haven’t developed all the social niceties full of false kindness. They hug because they want to hug. And damn it feels good.

It’s very strange to have never had children. It wasn’t my plan. My earliest memories were of wanting 8-12 kids. That of course was before I had any concept of all the things that went into both birthing and raising 12 children. My initial conclusion was simple, the most interesting kids came from great big families, and from my perspective, they all liked each other. I wanted to be like them.

As I became an adult and married and the fear of child birth and raising children became a reality, I literally became terrified at the thought of becoming a parent. It was going to stop me, but I was very aware of having a recurring dream in which I as pregnant and due the next day, but nothing was ready. Not me, not the child’s room. Nothing. I’d wake up in a panic each time I had the dream.

One day, I met a couple who had one child. I’d never considered having only one child. But seeing them and how happy they all were, I came to the easy conclusion that I could do that. One child. If I handle it well, then I can have one more. And so on until I reach my limit.

But I’d never have the chance to implement my plan. My early marriage didn’t work and subsequent relationships were too short to consider children. Ultimately, I realized that age would now likely prevent it. I wasn’t one of those go down in flames, jump through hoops kind of women trying to get pregnant. I decided that I would accept and make the best of whatever my life brought me. Sometimes life has been kind, sometimes not so much. But I never made a judgement about whether being childless was good or bad. It just was.

But it is weird to be a 50 year old woman with no children…and thus no grandchildren. People don’t realize things that mom’s take for granted come very hard to me. Like how to be creative 24/7. And worrying about them getting hurt. My roommate, their father, lovingly refers to them as little monkeys because of the way they like to climb. I keep hearing a scream in my head as I imagine one of them falling from getting cookies etc.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted as they were, but it was them, not my full day of painting that wore me out. This isn’t a complaint, it’s just a statement of fact. I’m WORE out!!!! How do moms do this? And as one of them lay in my lap at the restaurant because she was tired, I felt nothing but love.

But my ass is worn out. And I have another 10 days or so of this. What’s scaring the shit out of me is my roommate is telling me he’s got to go back to work instead of staying home with the kids. He “needs me to babysit.” I haven’t baby sat since I was 12. And then I only did it once. Well, I did watch my nephew once. I was crying by the time my sister in law came home. I was beyond frustrated in trying to come up with things to keep him interested.

On top of that, I work from home. I’m kicking my business back into gear and need to give it my full attention. I didn’t give up my high maintenance puppy to my ex to replace him with kids.

This week will be a struggle.

You see, I have to make money again. Savings is dwindled. But I look at the kids and wonder? Is it my job? If not me, who? There’s no one without putting his job in jeopardy. That’s the hard part about working from home. People think you aren’t working and can take on all these other things. But then…there are those two adorable beings that think every 30 minutes is “cuddle time” with me.

I think I’m officially talking in circles. Ugh…it’s 10:45…I’m headed to bed. Two wonderful little beings have just worn me out. Parents…I gotta hand it do you…I have NO idea how you do it.


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